‘Sacrifice’ is the word Rebecca Asher uses in her book, ‘Shattered: Modern Motherhood and The Illusion of Equality’, to describe the burden of childcare and responsibility for domestic equilibrium still shouldered disproportionately by mothers, even those who return to full time work. She also talks about the ‘narrow world’ of childrearing which comes as such a shock in the midst of an exciting career and stands in stark contrast to the outside life fathers continue to lead.
I only read a short extract, but the timing was fitting. For many of the mothers I know, whose babies will soon celebrate their first birthday, the end of paid maternity leave and the return to work are round the corner. And though they must find somewhere to put the baby, for most, this cannot come soon enough. They, too, talk of feeling constrained by the limited life they lead at home with their babies and look forward to resuming partial pre-baby lives. The only regret tinging these conversations is the hassle of arranging childcare, especially something long enough and close enough to home to enable them to be in the office on time. There is often a hint of worry that their careers may have been impeded by this last year off or that having a sick child, which will keep them at home for the odd day or two, will impede their careers in the future. The sacrifice of the last year has been made – more would be unwelcome. No one is planning to stay at home, even for another few months.
My situation is slightly different, having moved countries whilst pregnant and with no fixed job to which I must return. Still, it is easy to be caught up in this frenetic atmosphere; I have plenty of ideas of things I would like to do, freelance or otherwise, and a many a lead to follow. I, too, am seduced by the prospect of life beyond the babies and the smart work clothes hanging untouched in my wardrobe. Despite this, that there is no marked day when I must whisk myself off to an office for 9 hours, perhaps grants me a different perspective.
Loathe as I am to be branded a wannabe 1950s housewife, catapulting rogue dirty nappies into the post-feminist battlefield, I am struck by the language we use to describe staying at home with children – even for a relatively short time. ‘Sacrifice’ and ‘narrow world’ seem a reflection of contemporary views towards full time parenthood. What about the sacrifice we make by feeling compelled back to work when our children are so small, for fear if we do not go right there and then, we will have no prospect of a career at all. This seems to me a far greater sacrifice. My past professional experience suggested that there is always an ‘incredibly exciting project’ in which to get involved – no matter the day, month or year. Children are small and terribly dependent only once in their lifetime. Looking at a long career, children are small for a comparatively short period of time. And though the office world may be broader in some respects, life at home with children can be just as varied and enriching, if not more so, if only you can bring yourself to acknowledge it.
I am also struck by the contrast between the compulsion to return to work and the intensity and vigour with which many of these women have embraced motherhood the last 12 months – expensive prams, the finest organic baby clothes, little pots of sweet potato puree tucked into their designer nappy bags, from baby yoga to nursery rhymes a baby-focused activity each weekday. Some of this intensity brings a real pleasure to what could be a rather wearing and dreary few months, but it also becomes a project unto itself – propelling you in a tired whirl of baby courses when you could be enjoying a stroll around the park or sitting in the sun on a bench reading a good book. Fashionable, it seems, is to be the model of extremely dedicated motherhood for a year and then return to your model career when your time is done.
Is our desire for equality in career opportunities and domestic duties hampered by our conventional ideas of success? We wait to have children until we are sure we can successfully slot back into an ambitious career path and afford the childcare that enables it. We wait to have children until we have the financial means to buy all the trimmings of model parenthood. We wait to have children until we are at the peak of our careers and feel compelled to work as soon as is acceptable. Maybe we should all throw caution to the wind, not worry too much about how our children will fit with our ideal career paths and then start recognising the beauty of both: the unique time of being at home with babies when they really need us and the joy of focusing on work when they can do without us for a few hours a day. The more women and men who do this, the more common and acceptable it will be to work less than 50 hours a week and still have an interesting job. Less sacrifice and more straightforward enjoyment of worlds broad and narrow!
stillsonaive 