The advice from the breastfeeding consultant was to feed the babies as much as I could and relax and enjoy it at the same time, but not to worry about the times when a slug from the bottle seemed a good idea. Follow your instinct, she said, but preserve your sanity.

So it was as I sat there cowlike yesterday evening, following her advice, baby once again at the breast, my eyes fell upon the many cards we have received congratulating us on the birth of our twins. Most of these cards, from family and friends, were accompanied by a charming present or two – we requested only double packs. (Entry continued one-handed five days later.) Obviously, everyone is feeling very celebratory on our behalf, which is rather touching and very kindly.

Tired and filled with the standard anxieties of early parenthood, I was struck by the importance of this wider sense of celebration. The funny thing is that as a new parent, and most likely particularly of twins, you barely have time or energy to feel that way. However delighted you are at the arrival of your offspring, your days are rather filled with a sense of survival, from one hour to the next. It is just as exhilarating, but not quite the stuff easily conveyed in pink and blue cards with little babies on the front.

Still, it is in receiving these cards and all the lovely presents that come along with them and the many many messages of congratulations that remind you and your bleary eyed gaze that something truly wonderful is afoot. Good job other people remember to celebrate for you. We will be celebrating in about five years’ time, when we have slept through the night again.

The innocent sounding question, asked by every midwife and mother-in-law, tremours the bosom of any new breastfeeding mother. This question coupled with the obsessive frequent weighing of newborn babies by growth chart obsessed health visitors weakens the confidence and resolve of any young mother.

For the mother with an apparently good milk supply, there then ensues the following inner conflict. I know that breastfeeding is the healthiest choice for my baby. I know that the more I breastfeed my baby the more milk I will produce. But if I fully breastfeed my baby no one knows how much milk he drinks each time. The only measure is the amount of weight they gain and currently the midwife says he is lagging behind and I should ‘top up’ with a bottle. First and foremost, I want my baby to thrive, so I best follow the midwife’s advice and give him a bottle ‘top up’ feed here and there. She says this won’t harm my milk production and it will give me ‘a good rest’. But then when feeding my baby with a bottle and seeing him glug down 80ml and lie there zonked, just as his father might look having wolfed down a pizza in 10 minutes flat, my breasts start to ache and I think this can’t be right. I also know that anxiety can reduce milk production. And on I worry …

Add into the above dilemma the reality of my situation, which is that I have newborn twins – double the pleasure, double the breastfeeding angst. To my inexpert maternal eye, my predominantly breastfed twins are bonny and bouncing. They sleep well, drink enthusiastically, don’t cry too much and kick around energetically like unskilled synchronised swimmers when awake. To my midwife’s scales and growth charts they are not gaining weight as rapidly as she would like. My rebellious side says to hell with that, they behave like satisfied babies. But the more anxious side resorts to the bottle when both are screaming hard.

Ideally, I would fully breastfeed my twins, but the problem is getting the right support and advice without compromising their and my health. No getting up in the middle of the night to heat a bottle of milk, no chance of tummy infections, all those natural antibodies… Often, I think, much advice is designed to let mothers who are not keen to breastfeed off the hook – to say adding in a bottle is fine and you should not feel guilty doing so. But what about advice for those who are really keen to breastfeed? I have an appointment with a ‘breastfeeding consultant’ on Thursday. Perhaps she will have some more seasoned twin experience and understand the committed breastfeeding mother.